forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
