i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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