We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
