Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
