Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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