I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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