bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
