I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
