I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
