you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize