cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize