halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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