i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
