I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
