the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize