when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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