So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
