Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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