How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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