I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sarcasm needs its own font
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
