i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
