it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
