i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Holy sore nipples Batman
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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