i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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