do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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