I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
