he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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