my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
