me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
