Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
