a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
