I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
