Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
