I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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