I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
