i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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