the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
