You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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