Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
