You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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