im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
