1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
