Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
