Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
