I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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