I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My hand turned me down
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
