You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
