dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
