our cab driver is having phone sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
