last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she told me i tasted like america
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
