somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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