The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
