If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
