I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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