Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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