We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My butt remains clenched, sir.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
