I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Vodka?
Forever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
