woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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