2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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