i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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