did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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