someone threw a dead crab at me
I cockslap morals
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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